Daniel 3:18-"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."
Ever have something that you want and it's either taken from you or it seems that someone else gets the blessing we think we deserve? Often, we covet what others have and wonder why God seems to refuse to bless us with that same thing. That's me! In my season of life I am asking God "Why" an awful lot lately. "Why me God?" or "Why not me God?" or "Why are they blessed?" His answer "What's it to you?"
What is it to me? Has He not been good to me and answered my prayers? Truth: YES! He has answered my prayers and is continually working in my life. Even if the Lord chooses to take away my ability to bear children, if He takes away my friends, my family, my reputation, or my life...He is still good. He still has what is best for me at the heart of His plans. So why do I feel like the world is crashing around me and everything I have overcome has suddenly meant nothing?
Throughout the past few weeks I have been able to spend a lot of time with my Heavenly Father...pleading, crying out on behalf of friends, thanking, worshiping and what I discovered is that even when my world is crashing down and I constantly feel like Job...
HE IS STILL GOOD!!!!!!!
No matter what you are going through the Lord is on the other end. He hears you when you cry out. He sees and feels your broken heart. He provides grace that is sufficient for every circumstance. He gives rest to the weary. He gives HOPE to the dying.
My lonely, weary heart cannot taken much more, but HE is my strength! HE is my comfort! HE is my hope! My God is still Good!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Thursday, October 23, 2014
To the Baby I never got to hold...
If it had been my choice, I would have chosen to hold you every minute of everyday. I would have chosen to let your sisters shower you with kisses and hugs. I would have chosen to take you to church and show you off the first Sunday after you were born, just as I did your Big sisters. I would have chosen to prepare and decorate your nursery and pack your diaper bag, and sit and nurse you for hours. I would have chosen for you to sit with your Daddy, sisters, and I as we read from our favorite bedtime stories or read from God's word. I would have chosen to stay up all night with you while you were sick or kissed every "boo boo" after you fell. I would have chosen to watch you in your first Christmas program, and sing to the top of your lungs right into the microphone. It would be ok that you were off key, because I would have chosen to hear your voice at any moment over this. I would have chosen to watch you standing at the alter, waiting patiently for your bride to enter the church. I would have chosen to cry many tears of joy that day and I promise I would have loved her almost as much as I love you. I would have chosen to watch you walk out of that church knowing that you were not just son anymore, but that you were a husband, a man.
BUT I would NOT have chosen for you to be in pain....I would not have chosen the path your life took. You came so quickly and The Lord, knowing what was good, took you just as quickly. I will never understand, this side of Heaven why The Lord chose to take your life before we got to know you, but my sweet boy what I do know is that He did it for His glory. Sometimes we don't get to choose the path we are given. Sometimes there are circumstances beyond our control and understanding. It is amazing to know that regardless of what tomorrow may hold, I know who holds all of my tomorrows. His will, His plan....it is all for my good. He knew what your mom could handle and He knew what was best for me and for you.
My sweet baby, you would have been two days old today. As I am lying here with my arms empty and my heart shattered, I know that your are looking upon the face of Jesus. There is no better place to be than in the arms of our Mighty, victorious God. My hope rests in the promise that we will meet again one day and I have joy in knowing that you were never tainted by the trials and hardships of this world. Even though my empty arms are aching right now, I choose today to glorify our Risen King because He has filled my heart with so much joy and the promise that one day my aching arms will be filled again.
I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
my Baby you'll be
Love,
Mama
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Grief in all it's glory!
Beginning a new Bible Study is always hard. Satan seem to attack immediately, especially when he knows God is up to something big!
I began a new Bible study this week and the hits started coming. First with my hubby being sick on Sunday (before I had even received the book), followed by behavior problems so out of character for my oldest, and then today by health concerns of my own. So I prayed harder daily for the strength to withstand Satan's attacks.
It wasn't until Tuesday night in the middle of the night after bedtime routine became a slumber party in the living room due to AC freezing up, that I realized that my prayers over the past few months have become "generic". I'm not talking "God is great, God is good", but rather than a conversation with my Heavenly Father it became just another part of my routine. There was no "real" intimacy. There was no substance. I thought about this as I was going through Day 2 lesson and then it hit me! The question, the truth! It asked " Have you ever experienced a time when you were closer to God than you are now? If yes, what consequences have you experienced because of the loss of intimacy?". WOW! It hit me like a ton of bricks.
My answer..... YES! I didn't even realize it. Four months ago to be exact! See four months as of Tuesday had marked the day that I went in to the ER after 10 days of waiting and praying that God would save our unborn child, and got the news that our baby's heart had stopped and I would need a D & C. You see, I had four other miscarriages previously and despite the circumstances, was blessed to be able to let my body "do it's job". It didn't make it any easier, but I was able to grieve and heal.
This time was different. This time the doctors would physically be removing the baby and at that moment my anxiety kicked it. My heart broke. My anger set in. It was in this very moment that my intimacy with God changed.
I had only experienced this type of anger towards God one other time in my life. It was after one of my favorite High School English teachers lost her precious little girl, Georgia Irene, on Easter. I remember attending her memorial service and not understanding how her parents had so much strength and could still praise God. It made me even more mad that God would take away any babies because He told us in His word that they are His heritage. I couldn't understand why they praised God when they were in so much pain. When I could barely handle it myself and I had only gotten to see this sweet girl Mondays at school. After a few years, I have saw them (and their family) grow and have been able to see their testimony come to life through being Facebook friends. I was reminded of their strength and it has taught me to Praise HIM even through the trials, because His ways are higher than ours.
For the last four months, I've asked God "why?". I've been angry! It was in the moment of having to answer that one question that I broke down. I hadn't cried over the loss of our baby at all! I was too mad. So I cried!!! I finally, for the first time in four month, had a "truth" talk with God. I prayed and I cried out. I allowed my heart to be cleansed.
When we run away from God, He is waiting. Whenever the devil says things to discourage and keep you angry, God is there. When the devil whispers "You are alone, abandoned, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FAILURE", God is reminding you " Child look around. You are REDEEMED, you are loved, you are EQUIPPED to handle this, you are BLESSED! And the most important thing I hear My Father say is "Be anxious for nothing. They are being held by The KING!".
I began a new Bible study this week and the hits started coming. First with my hubby being sick on Sunday (before I had even received the book), followed by behavior problems so out of character for my oldest, and then today by health concerns of my own. So I prayed harder daily for the strength to withstand Satan's attacks.
It wasn't until Tuesday night in the middle of the night after bedtime routine became a slumber party in the living room due to AC freezing up, that I realized that my prayers over the past few months have become "generic". I'm not talking "God is great, God is good", but rather than a conversation with my Heavenly Father it became just another part of my routine. There was no "real" intimacy. There was no substance. I thought about this as I was going through Day 2 lesson and then it hit me! The question, the truth! It asked " Have you ever experienced a time when you were closer to God than you are now? If yes, what consequences have you experienced because of the loss of intimacy?". WOW! It hit me like a ton of bricks.
My answer..... YES! I didn't even realize it. Four months ago to be exact! See four months as of Tuesday had marked the day that I went in to the ER after 10 days of waiting and praying that God would save our unborn child, and got the news that our baby's heart had stopped and I would need a D & C. You see, I had four other miscarriages previously and despite the circumstances, was blessed to be able to let my body "do it's job". It didn't make it any easier, but I was able to grieve and heal.
This time was different. This time the doctors would physically be removing the baby and at that moment my anxiety kicked it. My heart broke. My anger set in. It was in this very moment that my intimacy with God changed.
I had only experienced this type of anger towards God one other time in my life. It was after one of my favorite High School English teachers lost her precious little girl, Georgia Irene, on Easter. I remember attending her memorial service and not understanding how her parents had so much strength and could still praise God. It made me even more mad that God would take away any babies because He told us in His word that they are His heritage. I couldn't understand why they praised God when they were in so much pain. When I could barely handle it myself and I had only gotten to see this sweet girl Mondays at school. After a few years, I have saw them (and their family) grow and have been able to see their testimony come to life through being Facebook friends. I was reminded of their strength and it has taught me to Praise HIM even through the trials, because His ways are higher than ours.
For the last four months, I've asked God "why?". I've been angry! It was in the moment of having to answer that one question that I broke down. I hadn't cried over the loss of our baby at all! I was too mad. So I cried!!! I finally, for the first time in four month, had a "truth" talk with God. I prayed and I cried out. I allowed my heart to be cleansed.
When we run away from God, He is waiting. Whenever the devil says things to discourage and keep you angry, God is there. When the devil whispers "You are alone, abandoned, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FAILURE", God is reminding you " Child look around. You are REDEEMED, you are loved, you are EQUIPPED to handle this, you are BLESSED! And the most important thing I hear My Father say is "Be anxious for nothing. They are being held by The KING!".
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I have been blessed.....
It's been almost a year since I've posted anything on here...partly because I have been preoccupied in my new role as "mommy" and partly because every time I go to write I don't seem to have the words. The Lord has taught me so much over the past two years that I continue to be in awe of his mercy towards me.
My new role as mommy has been many thing including wonderful, exhausting, humbling, busy, and most of all I pray that it is God honoring. At times I've been in desperate need of adult conversation as I transitioned from working to being a stay at home mom. This was and is a tough transition for me as living on one income is often difficult in today's society and economic times. However despite cost of living and tax raises, God's provisions are in abundance and more than we deserve.
I'm finding that as I learn to serve my family I'm fulfilling the role that God has placed me in. He has shown me that even the smallest task of cleaning toilets should be done to honor him and if I do it having a willing heart I will be honoring him. I fail at this especially when the exhaustion of having a one year old, being pregnant, in school to finish my degree, church and its activities and doing housework all set in. I'm still learning that the selfless giving of myself despite how I might feel is part of my role....I often have to apologize to my husband for giving into the idea that it's not my job to cater to him. He works hard for our family so I should be more willing to serve and submit. I'm still learning to adapt to my new roles even after four years of marriage. My prayer today is that God would mold me into the Titus 2 calling that He has given for wives and mothers.
Hoping that as we welcome our second child in just 6 1/2 weeks I will adapt more according to His word.
My new role as mommy has been many thing including wonderful, exhausting, humbling, busy, and most of all I pray that it is God honoring. At times I've been in desperate need of adult conversation as I transitioned from working to being a stay at home mom. This was and is a tough transition for me as living on one income is often difficult in today's society and economic times. However despite cost of living and tax raises, God's provisions are in abundance and more than we deserve.
I'm finding that as I learn to serve my family I'm fulfilling the role that God has placed me in. He has shown me that even the smallest task of cleaning toilets should be done to honor him and if I do it having a willing heart I will be honoring him. I fail at this especially when the exhaustion of having a one year old, being pregnant, in school to finish my degree, church and its activities and doing housework all set in. I'm still learning that the selfless giving of myself despite how I might feel is part of my role....I often have to apologize to my husband for giving into the idea that it's not my job to cater to him. He works hard for our family so I should be more willing to serve and submit. I'm still learning to adapt to my new roles even after four years of marriage. My prayer today is that God would mold me into the Titus 2 calling that He has given for wives and mothers.
Hoping that as we welcome our second child in just 6 1/2 weeks I will adapt more according to His word.
Titus Chapter 2
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
An unwilling heart.....
Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like I'm becoming one of those Christians who are unwilling to do anything for anyone. Becoming selfish, prideful, and an unwilling servant of the Lord. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is not me. I enjoy doing things for others and making sure that they and their families are taken care of. It seem as if I've gotten hurt or offended by some people and My willingness to do anything for them has turned into feeling like forced acts I know should be done. The devil uses this against me daily... For weeks I've struggled with why I have developed an unwilling heart not just towards people who used to be close to me but to my God. Then I thought back at when it all started. Chris has continually told me he feels that I should be at home with our child. I have emotionally, physically, and spiritually fought this from the beginning. I'm a worrier and feel like I have to have control of everything. Throughout this pregnancy God has been taking more and more out of my hands. All of the complications, all of finacial worries, all of my fears of becoming a great mom.... He took them away from me and told me "Leah, I'm in control and I will provide all you need". Since God gave me this revelation, he is changing my heart from unwilling to willing to do as he asks. God is still working on my unwilling heart and when certain situations arrive and my heart and mind become cold, I'm reminded of his unconditional love and the grace he gives me even when I don't want to cooperate with his plans. Im refusing to let the devil uses this to keep me away from the main goal of winning people to the cross.
Monday, August 22, 2011
I cannot believe we have made it this far!
It has been a long and exhausting 8 months. The beginning of this year didn't bring much hope of us starting our family, but now I realize it was all in God's timing. As I am preparing for our little Piper to get here, I cannot help but be grateful for the miracle that God has given to Chris and I. I will never be more grateful to the Lord for this gift. I cannot say Thank you to Him enough times. Patience has not always been my strong suit, however God knew that I would grow closer to him through the waiting period for our little one.
Just an update on what is going on in our lives...... Christopher and I are currently both working full-time and using our free time to prepare for Piper. We found out that because of a condition that I have Piper Elizabeth will make her arrival around Thanksgiving. We have been very busy this summer spending time with family and friends, and doing some ministry work with puppets at church. We will be doing a new puppet play next weekend at Homestead Campground. We are enjoying the wonderful amazing gift of pregnancy (though my hormones are wild). On this note, we have been blessed to be able to see our baby grow by having a lot of Ultrasounds. It is absolutely AMAZING to see God take nothing and turn it into such a beautiful thing. We have just this week been experiencing the amazing yet strange moments where we can see her move from the outside. :) Words cannot describe how relieving it feels for her to kick constantly. She is so active. We cannot wait for her to get here!
Just an update on what is going on in our lives...... Christopher and I are currently both working full-time and using our free time to prepare for Piper. We found out that because of a condition that I have Piper Elizabeth will make her arrival around Thanksgiving. We have been very busy this summer spending time with family and friends, and doing some ministry work with puppets at church. We will be doing a new puppet play next weekend at Homestead Campground. We are enjoying the wonderful amazing gift of pregnancy (though my hormones are wild). On this note, we have been blessed to be able to see our baby grow by having a lot of Ultrasounds. It is absolutely AMAZING to see God take nothing and turn it into such a beautiful thing. We have just this week been experiencing the amazing yet strange moments where we can see her move from the outside. :) Words cannot describe how relieving it feels for her to kick constantly. She is so active. We cannot wait for her to get here!
7 Weeks
8 Weeks
11 Weeks
20 Weeks
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Joy comes in the morning!
Wow....I haven't been on here in a while. It is amazing what God teaches you through the struggles in your life. He has blessed me with a wonderful Savior who gave his life for me, an awesome husband, and a beautiful miracle most people call children.Thank you Lord for the joy you have brought to my life with the start of this year. It will be one of the great years that I will remember the rest of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)