And If Not....HE is still good.

     Daniel 3:18-"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

    Ever have something that you want and it's either taken from you or it seems that someone else gets the blessing we think we deserve?  Often, we covet what others have and wonder why God seems to refuse to bless us with that same thing.  That's me!  In my season of life I am asking God "Why" an awful lot lately.  "Why me God?" or "Why not me God?" or "Why are they blessed?" His answer "What's it to you?"

     What is it to me? Has He not been good to me and answered my prayers?  Truth: YES!  He has answered my prayers and is continually working in my life.  Even if the Lord chooses to take away my ability to bear children, if He takes away my friends, my family, my reputation, or my life...He is still good. He still has what is best for me at the heart of His plans.  So why do I feel like the world is crashing around me and everything I have overcome has suddenly meant nothing?
 
     Throughout the past few weeks I have been able to spend a lot of time with my Heavenly Father...pleading, crying out on behalf of friends, thanking, worshiping and what I discovered is that even when my world is crashing down and I constantly feel like Job...

HE IS STILL GOOD!!!!!!!

     No matter what you are going through the Lord is on the other end.  He hears you when you cry out. He sees and feels your broken heart.  He provides grace that is sufficient for every circumstance.  He gives rest to the weary.  He gives HOPE to the dying.

     My lonely, weary heart cannot taken much more, but HE is my strength!  HE is my comfort! HE is my hope!   My God is still Good!



   

To the Baby I never got to hold...

     If it had been my choice, I would have chosen to hold you every minute of everyday.  I would have chosen to let your sisters shower you with kisses and hugs.  I would have chosen to take you to church and show you off the first Sunday after you were born, just as I did your Big sisters.  I would have chosen to prepare and decorate your nursery and pack your diaper bag, and sit and nurse you for hours.  I would have chosen for you to sit with your Daddy, sisters, and I as we read from our favorite bedtime stories or read from God's word.   I would have chosen to stay up all night with you while you were sick or kissed every "boo boo" after you fell.  I would have chosen to watch you in your first Christmas program, and sing to the top of your lungs right into the microphone.  It would be ok that you were off key, because I would have chosen to hear your voice at any moment over this.   I would have chosen to watch you standing at the alter, waiting patiently for your bride to enter the church.   I would have chosen to cry many tears of joy that day and I promise I would have loved her almost as much as I love you.   I would have chosen to watch you walk out of that church knowing that you were not just son anymore, but that you were a husband, a man.  

     BUT I would NOT have chosen for you to be in pain....I would not have chosen the path your life took.   You came so quickly and The Lord, knowing what was good, took you just as quickly.   I will never understand, this side of Heaven why The Lord chose to take your life before we got to know you, but my sweet boy what I do know is that He did it for His glory.  Sometimes we don't get to choose the path we are given.  Sometimes there are circumstances beyond our control and understanding.  It is amazing to know that regardless of what tomorrow may hold, I know who holds all of my tomorrows.   His will, His plan....it is all for my good.  He knew what your mom could handle and He knew what was best for me and for you.  

     My sweet baby, you would have been two days old today. As I am lying here with my arms empty and my heart shattered, I know that your are looking upon the face of Jesus.  There is no better place to be than in the arms of our Mighty, victorious God.   My hope rests in the promise that we will meet again one day and I have joy in knowing that you were never tainted by the trials and hardships of this world.  Even though my empty arms are aching right now, I choose today to glorify our Risen King because He has filled my heart with so much joy and the promise that one day my aching arms will be filled again.   

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

my Baby you'll be

Love,

Mama

Grief in all it's glory!

     Beginning a new Bible Study is always hard.   Satan seem to attack immediately, especially when he knows God is up to something big!

     I began a new Bible study this week and the hits started coming.  First with my hubby being sick on Sunday (before I had even received the book), followed by behavior problems so out of character for my oldest, and then today by health concerns of my own.  So I prayed harder daily for the strength to withstand Satan's attacks.

     It wasn't until Tuesday night in the middle of the night after bedtime routine became a slumber party in the living room due to AC freezing up, that I realized that my prayers over the past few months have become "generic".   I'm not talking "God is great, God is good", but rather than a conversation with my Heavenly Father it became just another part of my routine.   There was no "real" intimacy. There was no substance.   I thought about this as I was going through Day 2 lesson and then it hit me!   The question, the truth!   It asked " Have you  ever experienced a time when you were closer to God than  you are now? If yes, what consequences have you experienced because of the loss of intimacy?".   WOW!    It hit me like a ton of bricks.

     My answer..... YES!   I didn't even realize it.   Four months ago to be exact!   See four months as of Tuesday had marked the day that I went in to the ER after 10 days of waiting and praying that God would save our unborn child, and got the news that our baby's heart had stopped and I would need a D & C.   You see, I had four other miscarriages previously and despite the circumstances, was blessed to be able to let my body "do it's job".  It didn't make it any easier, but I was able to grieve and heal.

     This time was different.  This time the doctors would physically be removing the baby and at that moment my anxiety kicked it.  My heart broke.   My anger set in.   It was in this very moment that my intimacy with God changed.

     I had only experienced this type of anger towards God one other time in my life.   It was after one of my favorite High School English teachers lost her precious little girl, Georgia Irene, on Easter.  I remember attending her memorial service and not understanding how her parents had so much strength and could still praise God.   It made me even more mad that God would take away any babies because He told us in His word that they are His heritage.   I couldn't understand why they praised God when they were in so much pain. When I could barely handle it myself and I had only gotten to see this sweet girl Mondays at school.   After a few years, I have saw them (and their family) grow and have been able to see their testimony come to life through being Facebook friends.  I was reminded of their strength and it has taught me to Praise HIM even through the trials, because His ways are higher than ours.

     For the last four months, I've asked God "why?".  I've been angry!  It was in the moment of having to answer that one question that I broke down.   I hadn't cried over the loss of our baby at all!   I was too mad. So I cried!!! I finally, for the first time in four month, had a "truth" talk with God.  I prayed and I cried out.   I allowed my heart to be cleansed.
   
    When we run away from God, He is waiting.  Whenever the devil says things to discourage and keep you angry, God is there.  When the devil whispers "You are alone, abandoned,  NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FAILURE", God is reminding you " Child look around.  You are REDEEMED, you are loved, you are EQUIPPED to handle this, you are BLESSED!   And the most important thing I hear My Father say is "Be anxious for nothing. They are being held by The KING!".

I have been blessed.....

It's been almost a year since I've posted anything on here...partly because I have been preoccupied in my new role as "mommy" and partly because every time I go to write I don't seem to have the words. The Lord has taught me so much over the past two years that I continue to be in awe of his mercy towards me.  
     My new role as mommy has been many thing including wonderful, exhausting, humbling, busy, and most of all I pray that it is God honoring.   At times I've been in desperate need of adult conversation as I transitioned from working to being a stay at home mom.   This was and is a tough transition for me as living on one income is often difficult in today's society and economic times.   However despite cost of living and tax raises, God's provisions are in abundance and more than we deserve.  
   I'm finding that as I learn to serve my family I'm fulfilling the role that God has placed me in.   He has shown me that even the smallest task of cleaning toilets should be done to honor him and if I do it  having a willing heart I will be honoring him.   I fail at this especially when the exhaustion of having a one year old, being pregnant, in school to finish my degree, church and its activities and doing housework all set in.  I'm still learning that the selfless giving of myself despite how I might feel is part of my role....I often have to apologize to my husband for giving into the idea that it's not my job to cater to him.    He works hard for our family so I should be more willing to serve and submit.   I'm still learning to adapt to my new roles even after four years of marriage.   My prayer today is that God would mold me into the Titus 2 calling that He has given for wives and mothers.  

Hoping that as we welcome our second child in just 6 1/2 weeks I will adapt more according to His word.  

Titus Chapter 2

¹ But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

² That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

³ The aged women likewise, that [they be] in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

⁴ That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

⁵ [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

⁶ Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.

⁷ In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine [shewing] uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,

⁸ Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

⁹ [Exhort] servants to be obedient unto their own masters, [and] to please [them] well in all [things]; not answering again;

¹⁰ Not purloining, but shewing all good fidelity; that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Saviour in all things.

¹¹ For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men,

¹² Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;

¹³ Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;

¹⁴ Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.

¹⁵ These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.

An unwilling heart.....

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like I'm becoming one of those Christians who are unwilling to do anything for anyone. Becoming selfish, prideful, and an unwilling servant of the Lord. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is not me. I enjoy doing things for others and making sure that they and their families are taken care of. It seem as if I've gotten hurt or offended by some people and My willingness to do anything for them has turned into feeling like forced acts I know should be done. The devil uses this against me daily... For weeks I've struggled with why I have developed an unwilling heart not just towards people who used to be close to me but to my God. Then I thought back at when it all started. Chris has continually told me he feels that I should be at home with our child. I have emotionally, physically, and spiritually fought this from the beginning. I'm a worrier and feel like I have to have control of everything. Throughout this pregnancy God has been taking more and more out of my hands. All of the complications, all of finacial worries, all of my fears of becoming a great mom.... He took them away from me and told me "Leah, I'm in control and I will provide all you need". Since God gave me this revelation, he is changing my heart from unwilling to willing to do as he asks. God is still working on my unwilling heart and when certain situations arrive and my heart and mind become cold, I'm reminded of his unconditional love and the grace he gives me even when I don't want to cooperate with his plans. Im refusing to let the devil uses this to keep me away from the main goal of winning people to the cross.

I cannot believe we have made it this far!

      It has been a long and exhausting 8 months.   The beginning of this year didn't bring much hope of us starting our family, but now I realize it was all in God's timing.   As I am preparing for our little Piper to get here, I cannot help but be grateful for the miracle that God has given to Chris and I.   I will never be more grateful to the Lord for this gift.  I cannot say Thank you to Him enough times.   Patience has not always been my strong suit, however God knew that I would grow closer to him through the waiting period for our little one.   




     Just an update on what is going on in our lives......  Christopher and I are currently both working full-time and using our free time to prepare for Piper.   We found out that because of a condition that I have Piper Elizabeth will make her arrival around Thanksgiving.   We have been very busy this summer spending time with family and friends, and doing some ministry work with puppets at church.   We will be doing a new puppet play next weekend at Homestead Campground.   We are enjoying the wonderful amazing gift of pregnancy (though my hormones are wild).   On this note, we have been blessed to be able to see our baby grow by having a lot of Ultrasounds.  It is absolutely AMAZING to see God take nothing and turn it into such a beautiful thing.   We have just this week been experiencing the amazing yet strange moments where we can see her move from the outside.  :)  Words cannot describe how relieving it feels for her to kick constantly.   She is so active.  We cannot wait for her to get here!

 7 Weeks

 8 Weeks

 11 Weeks

20 Weeks

Joy comes in the morning!

Wow....I haven't been on here in a while.  It is amazing what God teaches you through the struggles in your life.   He has blessed me with a wonderful Savior who gave his life for me, an awesome husband, and a beautiful miracle most people call children.Thank you Lord for the joy you have brought to my life with the start of this year.  It will be one of the great years that I will remember the rest of my life.  

While I am hurting....

I want to be honest about something, we dealing with infertility.  It is hard for most to understand it and relate, but it is overwhelming and above all....painful. There are so many emotions that you go through pain, anger, grief, depression, overwhelming sadness, and helplessness.  There are some things that cannot be control and there are things that can.  This is not one of those things.  I know deep in the depths of my heart that God is the one in control of this.   I just don't understand why do I have to go though this.   Why me?   What seems to make it worse is people who try to be encouraging and I know they mean well but when there is someone who has children....they would NEVER understand what it is like to have none. When some says "Wait it will happen when you don't expect it" or my very favorite "You are obsessed and need to just give it to God" ......Do people not understand that Chris and I have given it to God and that we are struggling day after day to continue to rely on him for strength and courage to get through this.   The whole thing causes me to be angry and I want so badly to give it to God and to not feel the way I do.  But I DO feel this way....I DO want children.....I DO want to feel better and not depressed.....I DO NOT want to live my life without knowing the love of a mother.....And I REFUSE to be angry with God.     

HANNAH

INTRODUCTION

Elkanah had two wives - Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children but Hannah did not (1 Samuel 1:1-8). Hannah's name means 'woman of grace' or 'gracious woman'.¹ She eventually gave birth to Samuel after endeavouring years of cruel mocking and taunts from Peninnah for being childless.

A Raw Deal
Hannah had what many would call 'a raw deal in life'. She was childless in a society that considered not having a child the ultimate failure. A longing of the heart denied can cause much pain. Rather than allow her pain to cause bitterness towards God Hannah used the pain in her heart as a catalyst to pray. (1 Samuel 1:12-20).

Hannah developed a more intimate relationship with the God of Israel than the priest of Israel had. Eli was a man who watched lips instead of perceiving hearts (1 Samuel 1:12-24). How often today do we applaud those who 'talk the talk' at the expense of those who are quietly 'walking the walk'.

Eli was the priest, yet even when God spoke he heard nothing (1 Samuel 3:4-6). On the other hand, Hannah, a childless woman conversed freely with God and received her request. God honoured the most despised in the society with the favour of his blessings.

The perception that God in the Old Testament did not treat women well is not true. It was the culture of the time that detested women not God.

After Hannah's encounter with God her attitude changed before her condition did. She started to live a normal life again prior to having a child (1 Samuel 1:18). Contentment comes with believing God and finding rest in him. Contentment starts in the heart not with possessions. Hannah soon gave birth to Samuel. When the child was weaned she gave him back to the Lord (1 Samuel 1:24-28). From what we know of the culture of those days Samuel would have been about three years old at this time.

Letting Go
All mothers know that the time will come (or has come) when their children will grow up and leave. That is the time to let them go. No more holding and pulling their emotional cords. It's time to stop influencing them. Let them loose to be what God has called them to be.

This might involve calling them and praying over them. Releasing them to go and fulfil their God given destiny. You will always be their parent but no longer their guide. For some parents this is not easy. On your part it might involve a few tears. But it is the right thing to do (Genesis 2:24).

They might still be around and visit you often, but they are now independent of you in many ways.

God used Hannah to show us that this is possible. If anyone cherished her child Hannah did. Yet even she knew that children are a gift from God. We are given the privilege to care, guide and train them and later release them into life.

Hannah's story ends with her giving praise and glory to God (1 Samuel 2:1-11). She had a fulfilled life. The fact that she had to wait for some things did not mean she was doomed.

Waiting for things is not a curse. In fact God always uses it to produce a blessing if we remain faithful to Him. Keep your trust in God. That is what Hannah's life is telling you.

My Christmas Prayer!

Dear Lord,

This year, in order to celebrate Christmas to the fullest without the intense spiritual and emotional pain as in the past, and to celebrate it the way You would have me celebrate, I ask Your help and strength to make these changes: When I see adorably adorned children in angel's wings, turn my vision from these earthly angels to the message of the Good News the angels brought. Rather than focusing on toddlers kneeling in wonder before the manger, let me focus on the birth of our Lord and kneel in wonder at His feet. Instead of the ache of my empty arms, let me feel the magnetism and strength of His open arms as He says, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." When I see pictures of the baby Jesus, broaden my thinking beyond the maternal desire to feel the soft skin of that baby's tiny hands, and enable me to feel the nail prints in the rugged palms of my Savior. When children's voices in chorus reach my ear, take away the lump that will have formed in my throat and enable me to join in singing Your praise. And finally, when I watch children opening presents, please do not let thoughts of having no children diminish my gratitude for Your precious gift to me. In the name of Christ, my Savior, Amen


- Martha Ann Diaz

SNOW

Waking up this morning not feeling well I climbed out of bed, got dressed for work, and walked out the door.  The moment I stepped outside and saw the wonderful miracle of snow it put me in such an awesome mood.  Nothing could be better....or so I thought.

     Chris and I had to make a very hard decision this past week and were relying on God to show us where and what he wanted.  We have been having faith that God would provide in certain areas of my life, so we did what we felt God was leading us to do because of our situation.  We have been praying without ceasing for God to move. I have always saw snow as God's mighty hand at work and he gave me that sign as I walked out the door this morning and to make the day even better we came home to find his provisions in the mailbox. I am standing in awe of God and His Mighty hand.

     Stay strong in your Faith.  "Cast all your cares upon him, for He cares for you."   "His yoke is easy and his burden is light".

THANK YOU LORD FOR THE MIRACLE OF SNOW.

Thanksgiving....Again!

I am thankful today that the procedure went awesome(despite some serious pain).  I am also thankful for the good news that things are now all cleaned out, so to speak.  I am now very excited to see what is going to happen next in "Our Little Life".

Psalm 30:11-12

11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

So on another note:   I absolutely LOVE my 3 & 4 year old choir.  They are so innocent and just sweet that it makes me laugh.   They were absolutely wild tonight but it made it totally worth it when during prayer request time Samuel, Emily, Annyah, and Samantha said that their prayer request was for Mrs. Leah to feel better.  That is so worth the pain I was feeling.  Thank you Lord for the innocence of children.  

Prayerfully Waiting

Today is the day I am going to have my surgical procedure done.  Please pray that God will give my doctor the wisdom that he needs.   Pray also that even with medicine I don't have a bad reaction to the iodine during the procedure.  This would be bad due to the fact that it threatens my life in and of itself.  (Allergies to iodine).  God is in control and I am a little bit nervous. Here we go.......

Onions

What is there to get angry about?  I have to sit back and think how stupid it is that someone would get angry over this little, what I now know is a vegetable, thing called onions.  When ordering Chinese I was unaware that my husband didn't want the vegetable in his pork fried rice. So I told the lady that it was fine.   After getting off the phone, he said to me I never order it like that.  Well this being really my first time ordering Chinese food for him I responded with "Chris, it always comes like this"   He got angry and had to call them because if his lips touched vegetables he just might die.   What is it with some people and vegetables?  What makes them so mad about having to eat it?  Why are we so picky when it comes to food?   Should we not be grateful for anything to eat when half of the world or more are starving?  With this economy some people would kill for a chance to eat an onion and yet we nit-pick over every aspect of our wants and eat what we like and throw out what we don't like.

  I think this Christmas I am going to make an effort to help at least two families with food for Christmas. I am also going to try not to complain about the little things and be thankful to God that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, food (even take out), and a Savior who has saved me from eternal damnation.   

   Will you show Christ and help someone else? or Will you continue to be an ingrate?  Think about it.    

God will make this Trial a blessing.

It is funny how when we really have the desire to do something or even want something so badly that it takes over and is what we are thinking about 24 hours a day, 7 days a week....we don't see it.   We when first got married I had said "God, I AM NOT having kids for four years!"   Then God did something miraculous He blessed us with our first pregnancy and just as quickly as He gave, He took that gift away.  I am now learning even in recent months that I let wanting a child so badly that it over took my life and my every thought.  This may not seem like such a bad thing on the surface but it is.  This is exactly what we were told NOT to do..."Thou shall not make unto thee ANY graven images."  I put wanting a child before everything....work, church, ministries, God.   I finally took down my graven image and started looking towards heaven again.  I don't know why God allowed me to go through the trials Chris and I have been through, but I thank Him for making these trials a blessing by allowing me to be closer to Him and to my Husband.  

This morning on my way to work a song came to my heart and I immediately started crying the moment I started singing it.  I given the lyrics below....maybe it will touch someone else.



God Will Make This Trial a blessing

"I've just come into a valley, one like I've never been before. I keep searching for a way out seems like padlocks on the door.  Oh there must be another sunrise another sunset that I'll see God will make this trial a blessing, Just be patient you will see.

I was not the first one to come into this place.  You see every Child of God this test he must face.  It is here that God will mold you, to make you what you are to be. God will make this trail a blessing that's the love He has for me.

God will make this trial a blessing, though it sends me to my knees.  Though my tears flow like a river, yet in Him there's sweet relief.  There's no need to get discouraged, there's no need to talk defeat.  God will make this Trial a blessing and the whole wide world will see.


Now I'm standing on the mountain, looking back I can see.  When I was in the lowest valley HIS strong hand was leading me,  Oh it's good to feel the sunshine and to taste sweet victory.  God has made this trial a blessing, that's the grace he gave to me.

God will make this trial a blessing, though it sends me to my knees.  Though my tears flow like a river, yet in Him there's sweet relief.  There's no need to get discouraged, there's no need to talk defeat.  God will make this Trial a blessing and the whole wide world will see."

Psalm 113:9 "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD."

In the Bible there were a total of 9 women that were infertile in the Bible and out of the 9, 8 were healed by God and conceived children.  I see this as a glimpse into my future.  God may be telling us not now, but He has big plans for our future.   If I rely on my own skills instead of relying and having faith in the fact that God is in control He will take away what He might have been going to bless with or if He blesses and I still don't have faith that he will take care of it, then He may take that blessing away.  It is a hard lesson to learn but without giving God control we cannot have peace.  "Be anxious for nothing"  

Exhausted

Since Thanksgiving Day our schedules have been packed.  We join my family, Chris's family, and extended family to celebrate the day of thanks for everything that the Lord has given us.  Black Friday was fun with no sleep and work all day, and shopping.  My favorite of the whole weekend was our trip to Hershey Park to see the lights.  I love Hershey.  We got to see Max go on his very first amusement park ride and Chloe, Tessa, Teresa, and I enjoyed the light show down by the "kiss"mas tree.  We got to dance and act a little bit like kids again.  It was so fun to watch Chloe and Tessa anticipate where we were going on the ride up, however it was very hard for Chris and I to remember that it was a surprise, but even with the little hints they didn't find out.

  Tessa and I sang Christmas Carols and music the whole way up and got into the spirit of Christmas.  The funny thing was that in the middle of one song, Chloe asked me "Mrs. Leah, Why aren't you wearing a seatbelt?" i replied, "Because Chloe we are squished back here and if I die I am going to heaven.  Will you go to heaven if you die Chloe?"   Chloe's reply was "No".  Before I could respond Tessa shouts "Well then you are going to Hell!"  It amazes me the difference in the age of accountability in every individual.  I was saved when I was 5 years old and it took me being scared out of my mind that I would never get to see my daddy again.  I knew that I was a sinner and needed to be saved and so one night during a revival service at Camilla Baptist Church led by Bro Jerry Anderson I walked down the isle to Bro Gene Puttman, our pastor and asked him what I needed to do to guarantee that I went to heaven, because I was broken at the thought that Jesus died for me and I wasn't even born yet.  Bro Gene told me I needed to ask Jesus into my heart and in August of 1993 I asked Jesus to save me.   If it weren't for my father being the image of our heavenly father I might not be saved and Heaven bound.  THANK YOU DADDY, for always being the image of Christ that showed me my need of a Savior.  Also Thank you Bro Jerry and Bro Gene (God rest his soul) for being some of those men in our church that also portrayed Christ and taught me about Jesus without all of you there would be many lost and on their way to hell.  

I just thank God everyday for all of the men (including my husband) who show the light of Christ to those who need a Savior and don't even know it yet.   

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful for family and friends who support you.  Don't forget to also thank God for everything he has blessed us with.  Holidays are a little hard when you want something specific so bad, but I am going to be thankful for what I have instead of what I don't.   HAPPY THANKSGIVING!