Grief in all it's glory!

     Beginning a new Bible Study is always hard.   Satan seem to attack immediately, especially when he knows God is up to something big!

     I began a new Bible study this week and the hits started coming.  First with my hubby being sick on Sunday (before I had even received the book), followed by behavior problems so out of character for my oldest, and then today by health concerns of my own.  So I prayed harder daily for the strength to withstand Satan's attacks.

     It wasn't until Tuesday night in the middle of the night after bedtime routine became a slumber party in the living room due to AC freezing up, that I realized that my prayers over the past few months have become "generic".   I'm not talking "God is great, God is good", but rather than a conversation with my Heavenly Father it became just another part of my routine.   There was no "real" intimacy. There was no substance.   I thought about this as I was going through Day 2 lesson and then it hit me!   The question, the truth!   It asked " Have you  ever experienced a time when you were closer to God than  you are now? If yes, what consequences have you experienced because of the loss of intimacy?".   WOW!    It hit me like a ton of bricks.

     My answer..... YES!   I didn't even realize it.   Four months ago to be exact!   See four months as of Tuesday had marked the day that I went in to the ER after 10 days of waiting and praying that God would save our unborn child, and got the news that our baby's heart had stopped and I would need a D & C.   You see, I had four other miscarriages previously and despite the circumstances, was blessed to be able to let my body "do it's job".  It didn't make it any easier, but I was able to grieve and heal.

     This time was different.  This time the doctors would physically be removing the baby and at that moment my anxiety kicked it.  My heart broke.   My anger set in.   It was in this very moment that my intimacy with God changed.

     I had only experienced this type of anger towards God one other time in my life.   It was after one of my favorite High School English teachers lost her precious little girl, Georgia Irene, on Easter.  I remember attending her memorial service and not understanding how her parents had so much strength and could still praise God.   It made me even more mad that God would take away any babies because He told us in His word that they are His heritage.   I couldn't understand why they praised God when they were in so much pain. When I could barely handle it myself and I had only gotten to see this sweet girl Mondays at school.   After a few years, I have saw them (and their family) grow and have been able to see their testimony come to life through being Facebook friends.  I was reminded of their strength and it has taught me to Praise HIM even through the trials, because His ways are higher than ours.

     For the last four months, I've asked God "why?".  I've been angry!  It was in the moment of having to answer that one question that I broke down.   I hadn't cried over the loss of our baby at all!   I was too mad. So I cried!!! I finally, for the first time in four month, had a "truth" talk with God.  I prayed and I cried out.   I allowed my heart to be cleansed.
   
    When we run away from God, He is waiting.  Whenever the devil says things to discourage and keep you angry, God is there.  When the devil whispers "You are alone, abandoned,  NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FAILURE", God is reminding you " Child look around.  You are REDEEMED, you are loved, you are EQUIPPED to handle this, you are BLESSED!   And the most important thing I hear My Father say is "Be anxious for nothing. They are being held by The KING!".

I have been blessed.....

It's been almost a year since I've posted anything on here...partly because I have been preoccupied in my new role as "mommy" and partly because every time I go to write I don't seem to have the words. The Lord has taught me so much over the past two years that I continue to be in awe of his mercy towards me.  
     My new role as mommy has been many thing including wonderful, exhausting, humbling, busy, and most of all I pray that it is God honoring.   At times I've been in desperate need of adult conversation as I transitioned from working to being a stay at home mom.   This was and is a tough transition for me as living on one income is often difficult in today's society and economic times.   However despite cost of living and tax raises, God's provisions are in abundance and more than we deserve.  
   I'm finding that as I learn to serve my family I'm fulfilling the role that God has placed me in.   He has shown me that even the smallest task of cleaning toilets should be done to honor him and if I do it  having a willing heart I will be honoring him.   I fail at this especially when the exhaustion of having a one year old, being pregnant, in school to finish my degree, church and its activities and doing housework all set in.  I'm still learning that the selfless giving of myself despite how I might feel is part of my role....I often have to apologize to my husband for giving into the idea that it's not my job to cater to him.    He works hard for our family so I should be more willing to serve and submit.   I'm still learning to adapt to my new roles even after four years of marriage.   My prayer today is that God would mold me into the Titus 2 calling that He has given for wives and mothers.  

Hoping that as we welcome our second child in just 6 1/2 weeks I will adapt more according to His word.  

Titus Chapter 2

¹ But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

² That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

³ The aged women likewise, that [they be] in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

⁴ That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

⁵ [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

⁶ Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.

⁷ In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine [shewing] uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,

⁸ Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

⁹ [Exhort] servants to be obedient unto their own masters, [and] to please [them] well in all [things]; not answering again;

¹⁰ Not purloining, but shewing all good fidelity; that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Saviour in all things.

¹¹ For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men,

¹² Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;

¹³ Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;

¹⁴ Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.

¹⁵ These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.

An unwilling heart.....

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like I'm becoming one of those Christians who are unwilling to do anything for anyone. Becoming selfish, prideful, and an unwilling servant of the Lord. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is not me. I enjoy doing things for others and making sure that they and their families are taken care of. It seem as if I've gotten hurt or offended by some people and My willingness to do anything for them has turned into feeling like forced acts I know should be done. The devil uses this against me daily... For weeks I've struggled with why I have developed an unwilling heart not just towards people who used to be close to me but to my God. Then I thought back at when it all started. Chris has continually told me he feels that I should be at home with our child. I have emotionally, physically, and spiritually fought this from the beginning. I'm a worrier and feel like I have to have control of everything. Throughout this pregnancy God has been taking more and more out of my hands. All of the complications, all of finacial worries, all of my fears of becoming a great mom.... He took them away from me and told me "Leah, I'm in control and I will provide all you need". Since God gave me this revelation, he is changing my heart from unwilling to willing to do as he asks. God is still working on my unwilling heart and when certain situations arrive and my heart and mind become cold, I'm reminded of his unconditional love and the grace he gives me even when I don't want to cooperate with his plans. Im refusing to let the devil uses this to keep me away from the main goal of winning people to the cross.

I cannot believe we have made it this far!

      It has been a long and exhausting 8 months.   The beginning of this year didn't bring much hope of us starting our family, but now I realize it was all in God's timing.   As I am preparing for our little Piper to get here, I cannot help but be grateful for the miracle that God has given to Chris and I.   I will never be more grateful to the Lord for this gift.  I cannot say Thank you to Him enough times.   Patience has not always been my strong suit, however God knew that I would grow closer to him through the waiting period for our little one.   




     Just an update on what is going on in our lives......  Christopher and I are currently both working full-time and using our free time to prepare for Piper.   We found out that because of a condition that I have Piper Elizabeth will make her arrival around Thanksgiving.   We have been very busy this summer spending time with family and friends, and doing some ministry work with puppets at church.   We will be doing a new puppet play next weekend at Homestead Campground.   We are enjoying the wonderful amazing gift of pregnancy (though my hormones are wild).   On this note, we have been blessed to be able to see our baby grow by having a lot of Ultrasounds.  It is absolutely AMAZING to see God take nothing and turn it into such a beautiful thing.   We have just this week been experiencing the amazing yet strange moments where we can see her move from the outside.  :)  Words cannot describe how relieving it feels for her to kick constantly.   She is so active.  We cannot wait for her to get here!

 7 Weeks

 8 Weeks

 11 Weeks

20 Weeks

Joy comes in the morning!

Wow....I haven't been on here in a while.  It is amazing what God teaches you through the struggles in your life.   He has blessed me with a wonderful Savior who gave his life for me, an awesome husband, and a beautiful miracle most people call children.Thank you Lord for the joy you have brought to my life with the start of this year.  It will be one of the great years that I will remember the rest of my life.  

While I am hurting....

I want to be honest about something, we dealing with infertility.  It is hard for most to understand it and relate, but it is overwhelming and above all....painful. There are so many emotions that you go through pain, anger, grief, depression, overwhelming sadness, and helplessness.  There are some things that cannot be control and there are things that can.  This is not one of those things.  I know deep in the depths of my heart that God is the one in control of this.   I just don't understand why do I have to go though this.   Why me?   What seems to make it worse is people who try to be encouraging and I know they mean well but when there is someone who has children....they would NEVER understand what it is like to have none. When some says "Wait it will happen when you don't expect it" or my very favorite "You are obsessed and need to just give it to God" ......Do people not understand that Chris and I have given it to God and that we are struggling day after day to continue to rely on him for strength and courage to get through this.   The whole thing causes me to be angry and I want so badly to give it to God and to not feel the way I do.  But I DO feel this way....I DO want children.....I DO want to feel better and not depressed.....I DO NOT want to live my life without knowing the love of a mother.....And I REFUSE to be angry with God.     

HANNAH

INTRODUCTION

Elkanah had two wives - Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children but Hannah did not (1 Samuel 1:1-8). Hannah's name means 'woman of grace' or 'gracious woman'.¹ She eventually gave birth to Samuel after endeavouring years of cruel mocking and taunts from Peninnah for being childless.

A Raw Deal
Hannah had what many would call 'a raw deal in life'. She was childless in a society that considered not having a child the ultimate failure. A longing of the heart denied can cause much pain. Rather than allow her pain to cause bitterness towards God Hannah used the pain in her heart as a catalyst to pray. (1 Samuel 1:12-20).

Hannah developed a more intimate relationship with the God of Israel than the priest of Israel had. Eli was a man who watched lips instead of perceiving hearts (1 Samuel 1:12-24). How often today do we applaud those who 'talk the talk' at the expense of those who are quietly 'walking the walk'.

Eli was the priest, yet even when God spoke he heard nothing (1 Samuel 3:4-6). On the other hand, Hannah, a childless woman conversed freely with God and received her request. God honoured the most despised in the society with the favour of his blessings.

The perception that God in the Old Testament did not treat women well is not true. It was the culture of the time that detested women not God.

After Hannah's encounter with God her attitude changed before her condition did. She started to live a normal life again prior to having a child (1 Samuel 1:18). Contentment comes with believing God and finding rest in him. Contentment starts in the heart not with possessions. Hannah soon gave birth to Samuel. When the child was weaned she gave him back to the Lord (1 Samuel 1:24-28). From what we know of the culture of those days Samuel would have been about three years old at this time.

Letting Go
All mothers know that the time will come (or has come) when their children will grow up and leave. That is the time to let them go. No more holding and pulling their emotional cords. It's time to stop influencing them. Let them loose to be what God has called them to be.

This might involve calling them and praying over them. Releasing them to go and fulfil their God given destiny. You will always be their parent but no longer their guide. For some parents this is not easy. On your part it might involve a few tears. But it is the right thing to do (Genesis 2:24).

They might still be around and visit you often, but they are now independent of you in many ways.

God used Hannah to show us that this is possible. If anyone cherished her child Hannah did. Yet even she knew that children are a gift from God. We are given the privilege to care, guide and train them and later release them into life.

Hannah's story ends with her giving praise and glory to God (1 Samuel 2:1-11). She had a fulfilled life. The fact that she had to wait for some things did not mean she was doomed.

Waiting for things is not a curse. In fact God always uses it to produce a blessing if we remain faithful to Him. Keep your trust in God. That is what Hannah's life is telling you.