Beginning a new Bible Study is always hard. Satan seem to attack immediately, especially when he knows God is up to something big!
I began a new Bible study this week and the hits started coming. First with my hubby being sick on Sunday (before I had even received the book), followed by behavior problems so out of character for my oldest, and then today by health concerns of my own. So I prayed harder daily for the strength to withstand Satan's attacks.
It wasn't until Tuesday night in the middle of the night after bedtime routine became a slumber party in the living room due to AC freezing up, that I realized that my prayers over the past few months have become "generic". I'm not talking "God is great, God is good", but rather than a conversation with my Heavenly Father it became just another part of my routine. There was no "real" intimacy. There was no substance. I thought about this as I was going through Day 2 lesson and then it hit me! The question, the truth! It asked " Have you ever experienced a time when you were closer to God than you are now? If yes, what consequences have you experienced because of the loss of intimacy?". WOW! It hit me like a ton of bricks.
My answer..... YES! I didn't even realize it. Four months ago to be exact! See four months as of Tuesday had marked the day that I went in to the ER after 10 days of waiting and praying that God would save our unborn child, and got the news that our baby's heart had stopped and I would need a D & C. You see, I had four other miscarriages previously and despite the circumstances, was blessed to be able to let my body "do it's job". It didn't make it any easier, but I was able to grieve and heal.
This time was different. This time the doctors would physically be removing the baby and at that moment my anxiety kicked it. My heart broke. My anger set in. It was in this very moment that my intimacy with God changed.
I had only experienced this type of anger towards God one other time in my life. It was after one of my favorite High School English teachers lost her precious little girl, Georgia Irene, on Easter. I remember attending her memorial service and not understanding how her parents had so much strength and could still praise God. It made me even more mad that God would take away any babies because He told us in His word that they are His heritage. I couldn't understand why they praised God when they were in so much pain. When I could barely handle it myself and I had only gotten to see this sweet girl Mondays at school. After a few years, I have saw them (and their family) grow and have been able to see their testimony come to life through being Facebook friends. I was reminded of their strength and it has taught me to Praise HIM even through the trials, because His ways are higher than ours.
For the last four months, I've asked God "why?". I've been angry! It was in the moment of having to answer that one question that I broke down. I hadn't cried over the loss of our baby at all! I was too mad. So I cried!!! I finally, for the first time in four month, had a "truth" talk with God. I prayed and I cried out. I allowed my heart to be cleansed.
When we run away from God, He is waiting. Whenever the devil says things to discourage and keep you angry, God is there. When the devil whispers "You are alone, abandoned, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FAILURE", God is reminding you " Child look around. You are REDEEMED, you are loved, you are EQUIPPED to handle this, you are BLESSED! And the most important thing I hear My Father say is "Be anxious for nothing. They are being held by The KING!".
